Shinra's (One-Winged) Angels
by AyumiUK
Summary: "She was a boy, he was a girl-" "Aerith, I don't think that's quite right..." "Of course it is," she smiled cryptically and faded away. "Wait!" And Cloud woke up as his fifteen years old self... in a genderbent alternate universe. Time travel, gender bender, crack pairings. ASGZC bromance(?)
1. Clouds and Melons

Disclaimer: I don't own the compillation of FFVII nor its characters. Please don't sue me, I'm just spreading the love! orz

**Warning: All characters are genderbent. No exceptions (yes, that includes fem!Hojo). Includes het, slash, femslash and multi pairings.**

**Also, this is a crackfic/parody. If you take this seriously... err... I don't think it's humanly possible. So there. You've been warned.**

**Zack/Aerith**

**Cissnei/Zack**

**Clack** (in Japanese, it sounds like "crack". I wonder why... n.n)

**CloTi**

**Tifa/Aeris bromance(?)**

Angeal/Genesis/Sephiroth **bromance(?)[2]**

Angeal/Zack **mentor/student cracky fluff**

Zack Fair/Angeal Hewley/Genesis Rhapsodos/Sephiroth/Cloud Strife

And a lot of other strange pairings.

**In this universe, Yuri is Yaoi and Yaoi is Yuri. lol**

**This AN will only appear in this chapter, so read carefully.**

**000**

**Clouds and Melons**

**000**

_Melons_. Cloud Strife, a dashing twenty-eight years old man was being suffocated by a pair of warm, _squishy_ melons. 'Judging by the softness, these must be rotten melons… they do say putrefaction generates heat…' Raising his hands, he tried to move the supposed fruits from his nose…**CRUNCH!**

Ouch, his face hurt… maybe it was some kind of monster and… realizing his eyes were shut, he slowly opened them, blinking at the harsh light.

"My, Sapphire! Such violence is unbecoming of a lady. A slap should have sufficed," exclaimed a beautiful red-headed woman, who promptly knelt to cast Cure on the poor girl. Sapphire crossed her arms over her ample assets and huffed in annoyance.

Looking at his attacker, Cloud promptly fainted.

Noting the blonde's nose was still bleeding, a black-haired woman in full SOLDIER uniform turned to her apprentice and said, "Zelia, go fetch a doctor. Genevieve healed her broken nose, but it's still bleeding severely…"

"Okay!" Zelia Fair, SOLDIER 2nd Class saluted and headed towards the hospital floor.

Gene rolled her eyes, "Angela, dear… we have PHS for a reason."

The black-haired woman simply shrugged, "Zelia likes the exercise. It's that or squats, so I try to make her walk as much as possible."

"Hm…"

000

His priorities were probably fried, but he couldn't really get over the fact that fem!Sephiroth still wore the exact, same clothes as her male counterpart. Blood still dripped from his nose, even after the hot girl in red healed it.

Wait a minute. Backtrack a little…

_Hot girl in red... red hair… walking by Sephiroth's side… Oh crap, that was Genesis!_

Wait one more minute.

_'Did I just call that LOVELESS fanatic hot… twice?'_

A small part of Cloud tried to remind him that his nose was bleeding due to a female Sephiroth. He stomped on it until it was reduced to dust.

Opening his eyes, Cloud couldn't help but focus on the silver-haired woman. Dammit, even as a woman she was tall.

Suddenly a girl's voice broke the silence, "Angela, the nurses were being mean again!"

Turning to the voice, he could only mutter, "Damn, Zack and Angeal are hot too," before fainting again.

000

Cloud woke up to find himself in a strange room. The wall was painted in pastel tones with apple motif and the floor was covered by a fluffy beige carpet. On a table, he could see an assortment of materia, all held in cute straw baskets decorated with ribbons._ Was that a pink bra on the chair?..._ There was also a four-poster bed with lace curtains on the other side of the room and some wooden chests scattered around the corners.

He was about to get up when the door opened to reveal Zelia, bouncing in her blue SOLDIER second class uniform. "So you're awake! Took you long enough!"

"Where am I?" Cloud asked quietly.

"Oh! I'm sorry; my name is Zelia Fair, SOLDIER second class. You're in my room right now. Well, mine and Angela's. After you fainted, I went looking for a doctor, but the nurses kicked me out of the hospital floor before I could find one. Sleeping on the floor is bad for your health, so I brought you here! Also, I've never seen you before. Are you a new girl?"

Dazed, Cloud automatically responded, "Claudia."

Seconds later, his brain caught up with his mouth and his eyes widened. _'Claudia?'_

Looking down, he let out a girly shriek and fainted yet again.

000

Hm... review?

Pretty please?

(I'm shamelessly begging here.)


	2. Frienship and Menarche

Disclaimer: This is fanfic, and I don't get money from this, so why bother suing me? You'll get some pocket lint and an old "um centavo de Real" Brazilian coin-those are worth half a Japanese Yen. Really useless. Wait... the current lowest price on stainless steel I found was 2000 dollars/ton... which means it is worth more money as an alloy than at face value. 39% more, in fact. Like pence and cents, back in 2006, if I'm not mistaken.

And now you know! Random Trivia is fun, but completely useless.

Thanks for reviewing, faving, following~ You rock, peoples.

**000**

**Bath, Explanations, Training, Frienship and Menarche**

**000**

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Cloud sighed, "Damn it, Yuffie. I'm never drinking with you again."

He then proceeded to roll his shoulders, ignoring the strange feeling of something bouncing on his chest. Cloud sat up on the soft bed and finally looked around… "Eeep!" Nope, not him. Must have been some rat or whatever. He didn't _squeal_. He shook his head to sort his thoughts and didn't hear the soft click of the door nor the _tap tap_ of bare feet.

"Hey, Claudia? Are you alright now?"

Startled, Cloud looked up… to find a very naked fem!Zack (how did he even know it was Zack?) holding a pink towel over her right shoulder, water dripping from her deliciously fragrant hair.

"Aw, your nose is bleeding again! Gene mustn't have healed it right… hold on, use this." She handed him a frilly handkerchief. "Ah! It's even worse now! Angela, help!" Zelia screamed, holding Cloud's head uncomfortably close to her chest. It was a testament of Hojo's genius that our hero didn't even pass out from the blood loss, which would have killed a lesser (wo)man.

Angela threw open the bathroom door and ran to her apprentice, grabbing one of the materia baskets on the way. _'They… were bathing together…?'_ Cloud's brain rebooted.

This time, enhancements or not, he did succumb to the evils of perv.

000

As time went by, Cloud narrowed the possible causes to his current situation to four options:

1: He went in a coma and this was all a dream;

2: This was some virtual reality made to torture him (actually plausible, considering his many enemies);

3: Everybody died and Zack somehow managed to convince everyone in the Lifestream to pull a prank on him (he remembered Zack mentioning something like that a long time ago… or some years in the future, he wasn't sure anymore.)

And finally…

4: He time traveled to an alternate reality in which everyone was the opposite gender.

The scariest part, he decided, was that they were _all possible_. (He briefly wondered when his life had gotten so weird that all those things could happen… only to sink to the ground in a moment of depression.)

000

Barely a month had passed and he was somehow getting used to an army dominated by women. Except for their like of make-up and fashion, they weren't that different from their male counterparts. They gossiped the same and would often gather to vote on the sexiest Turk (which happened to be a guy named Neil at the moment), much as he remembered from his Shinra days.

000

Since he was stuck in this place, he would excel and accomplish his old dream of being SOLDIER. Not that he cared anymore, but being in SOLDIER gave him a higher level of clearance and he would be able to interact with Zack a lot more than his infantry(wo)man status allowed. The fact SOLDIER, even third class, earned twenty times as much money and could choose their own missions was an added incentive to succeed. Did he also mention SOLDIER got their own dorms? SOLDIERSOLDIERSOLDIER~

He had mixed feelings about retaining his enhancements; on one hand, the strength and extra abilities would make help him greatly. On the other, how would he explain them?

He decided to worry later.

So that was why we could find him at a training room everyday, from 5 to 11 am, at the cafeteria for an hour long pause and then back at the training room until 6 pm, when he went to the communal bath and grabbed a quick dinner. He barely interacted with his colleagues, as his old self had isolated him(her)self long before he had come back and any attempt at socializing now would be viewed with suspicion. Besides, socializing took time he didn't have.

000

Months later, Cloud woke up to something wet… down _there_.

At the bathroom, he looked at his panties (he never thought he'd miss boxers—those things were too tight for his liking!) and saw blood.

_'Great, I had completely forgotten women at my age had to deal with it.'_ To complicate matters further, he hadn't prepared for this and… damn, that was humiliating!

That's how we found our dear heroine running at the halls, toilet paper crudely folded to stop the blood flow. In an act of mercy from the Goddess, he ran into Zack-_Zelia_, his mind corrected.

"Hey, Claudia! Why are you running in the halls again? Something happened?"

His red face must have given something away, because Zelia grabbed his hand and lead him to that floor's restroom.

"Okay, we are alone now. Tell me what happened and we can solve this together," said Zelia, in a soothing tone she rarely used.

"I uh… there's blood down there," he said, leaning on the sparkly clean wall.

"Blood? You mean it's your time of the month?"

"Hm… I think so."

"Oh," the woman sighed, "I had forgotten how much Menarche sucks."

"What?" Asked Cloud, confusion evident in his (her, from Zelia's prespective) eyes.

"Menarche is the first menstruation," she explained. "How old are you anyway?"

"I'm fifteen."

"Wow, this is kind of late for Midgar."

"I'm from Nibelheim," he mumbled.

"A country girl? That explains everything."

"Oh yeah?" Cloud asked, momentarily forgetting his predicament, "And where do you come from?"

"Me? Gongaga," Zelia grinned proudly.

He couldn't help grinning at that. This conversation was oddly reminiscent of their first meeting, back when most things were still okay.

As unlikely as it was, Zelia retorted, "Do you even know Gongaga?"

Deciding to test this, Cloud continued, "No, but it sounds very country-like."

"Nibelheim too," the SOLDIER stuck her tongue out and crossed her arms. "I've never been there before, but there's a Mako reactor, right? Midgar-"

"-has the most Mako, but everyone else has none," he completed.

They exchanged grins for a while, until Zelia remembered what they were doing in the first place.

"Oh, right! I don't carry pads with me ever since joining SOLDIER, but Angela keeps a stash for newcomers, the mother hen. Sometimes, I think she should be a school teacher or nurse…until I see her with a sword, that is." The woman grabbed her friend's hand, "You should go to the doctor later and get a prescription for the Pill. Sometimes, we have to camp during missions and can't change pads. Worse, no showers for days will make you stink horribly. You don't want to suffer that anytime soon," she shuddered, opening the restroom's door.

Something told Cloud that this scenario had happened to the female version of his friend.

And he really, _really_ didn't want to know.

000

Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing.

Reviews are awesome inspirations, and they make me feel guilty enough to write faster~


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